Don't try this at home

  A friend told me jokingly last month that I should write a book on marriage. I've been thinking about what she said and think maybe I could give a few pointers to those about to get engaged or married, just to know what counseling I got. 

As a young Christian woman, it's hard to find advice about marriage that's relatable but still from a God-loving perspective.  I would like to help give light to the mistakes I made that could have been avoided.

Comments and questions are welcome.

 Basically a how-to slash "what not to do" type, so here goes, guys.

[ You should know in a friendly disclaimer, I have SO MUCH experience in this field and you should DEFINITELY trust me in all situations I discuss. It's the real thing.  ]

(Joking!!!)

Marriage: A Self-Reflection Compilation of The Seven-Months Married.

Marriage is hard. Hard because you are meshing two different lives, schedules, personalities, and habits together in a <800 square-foot apartment, in my case.
The first 7-9 years are the hardest to get through according to those who counseled my husband and me.
Statistics these days in America say you've got a one-in-two chance of "making it" through a marriage. How depressing is that?
God created marriage to represent his eternal promise to His church,
to protect her, nurture her, and even lay down his life for her as he did on the cross.
 Not to come to a screeching halt in divorce. 

My husband loves 90's alternative rock and most pop hits of the decade as well.  It makes me smile when I hear him singing in the shower to The Bare Naked Ladies' "One Week".

As cute as this is, some days when my mood is not at its best and
the cynic wants to come out, I will feel the need to
make a snide comment about a pitch at a certain part of the song,
or nit-pick about the words he forgot.

 "In what world would that turn out well, Linley?" I ask myself when it turns sour.

I hope these few points help you and your future/current marriage.

THIS IS WHAT NOT TO DO.

Tip 1) Cutting down your spouse.

There are kind ways to say most everything. Things that can't should be judged to whether or not they should be said at all. Correcting other's faults should not be a favorite hobby (guess who tends to do it all the time: me!). You don't have to be right all the time in every discussion about random crap that shouldn't divide you. Example: I decided I knew more than he concerning where morning dew comes from, how whispering isn't bad for your voice, and where the Maldives are.
I was wrong on all accounts.

Don't pick fights by needing to correct. You're just two humans cohabitating. This isn't school where you need to teach him everything to be "proper" and "acceptable."
You have to accept him.

Just as he is.

When you married him he was good enough. So encourage him in the things
you appreciate him doing and saying.
Stop nit-picking.

Tip 2) Being inconsiderate.

This seems like a no-brainer for all relationships, but it gets me at least when
 I think about myself first.
Living 24/7 with another person does that to you because they aren't the center of your attention anymore like they were when you were dating (exciting jitters of acting right pass away in marriage).

Don't eat all the favorite-thing-in-the-fridge because he may want some. Watch the shows he likes and don't whine about it. Play board games if it's what makes him happy. Read books
together to have quality time.
Try not to think anything is deserved to you,
but love the other before yourself like Christ taught. Plan serving him out of love for him,
and do not harbor resentment if he does not reciprocate in the way you want.

Tip 3) Going to bed without resolving a fight.

 I know you've heard this before but I never understood why until now. I see it as opening a door to a path you don't want repeated. If it hasn't happened yet, don't let it because it may become a bad crutch for your relationship that doesn't resolve any issues. If anything, it only stretches out resentment of the other to the next day and could cause more stress between you in the future. 

Tip 4) Know yourself and know him.

This is a big topic but it's so important. 

The best way to show love to your spouse is to learn who they are, what makes them tick, all their likes and dislikes, even the little details on condiment preferences and bed-tucking. Does your spouse like time to decompress by themselves after a hard day's work? How do they react in stressful situations when you can only make faces at each other for communication. Would you know what they're feeling?

Our marriage counselors stressed this to us, teaching that true love cares to study the other. True love exemplifies itself in little things.

Tip 5) Do your part, I'll do mine.

This is a point on attitude of service. 

I read a Facebook article recently written about a husband who had stopped "helping out his wife" with the spin on doing his part for the marriage by doing dishes and laundry, not to give her a break, but to do the tasks assigned to him.

 While I think this is definitely a cool point of view, what is so wrong with showing your spouse love by serving the household? Esteem your spouse's needs greater than your own and look for ways to serve him.
When we got married, our counselors told us to go ahead and divide the housework tasks between us so that there would be no awkward creeping around the subject a week into post-honeymoon life and dishes haven't been done (Can you tell I hate dishes yet?)
Serve each other. Do the things he needs done as a kind surprise. Take out the trash if he hates it. Love well.

Tip 6) Never change.

On your wedding day, you'll be looking at his cute face, across from yours in front of the whole audience and officiant, thinking life couldn't get better. Well it could. And from the marriage I see my grandparents in now, it did for them.
Everyone who sees them is comforted by how "in-love" they are, even 50+ years later.

The importance of this point is being accepting to change. Life happens and drags you across the country, family members pass away, and you change.
He changes.
Take your aching heart to God if these changes scare you. Brace yourself if you don't see changes coming yet. Be loving, accepting, and gracious because you are in this for the long haul.
"'Til death do us part."


Tip 7) "I need to vent."

It's pretty tempting to have a girls night just to vent about what he said to you, what he did or didn't do. But here's the trick-
the more you talk about how he bugs you,
the more he's going to because now you're reaffirming it through your mouth and dwelling on it.
You're teaching your girlfriends how he upsets you and in time, you and they will be convinced (if it comes to it) that you need to split up.
So nip it!
Of course you can share that y'all are having a hard time.

Share your concerns so they can pray for you as a couple. But remember not to rag on him, put him down, or say something that you'll regret to change your girlfriend's opinion about your hub.
You two are a team and you made that pact at the wedding.
Don't let anyone infringe on that, no matter how peeved you are at the moment.



I'm not the most experienced in this so don't just take my word for it.
 Get counseling before you get married.
Get counseling if you're having a rough patch in your marriage.
Talking things out with a biblically-based mediator will change things.

Good luck, dear friends, and God bless you. Keep Him the most important thing in your life and the rest will come. Your marriage will draw closer together if you remember it's about glorifying God and not keeping yourself comfortable.

I hope these friendly reminders help to all those headed down this path of life.
These points may not apply to those who have different faults than me, or it is applicable and you already know this. To me, at least,
refresher courses help in remembering what we already know.




-lindy˚roo